Still Here!: Brief WWE/Chick Musings

Yeah, this post purely exists because October 8th was almost a month ago. I hope to get back to "full" posts soon, but, for now, I'll mention one thing that has bothered me since I read it a couple hours ago.

The WWE is in a poor state of affairs right now and it's entirely of their own doing. The details and such I'll go into in a future post, but let me give you a quick insight.

The booking of WWE is now heavily slanted towards Twitter, specifically to "trend" as many times as possible within a single 2 hr program. That concept, and the long-term ramifications of such, are bad enough. But I just read that Vince McMahon and his underlings were pissed that they failed to get any trending on Monday's episode of RAW.

Nevermind the crap quality of the product, which was actually GREAT just last June/July ("Summer of Punk"), but then was overbooked into an unfocused mess that it currently sits in. Nevermind that Monday Night RAW's attendance was so bad even TNA had them beat the last time they were in town. Nevermind PPV buys are dangerously low. Nevermind that, with all this, Vince McMahon borrowed over $250 million against the company, a move never before done not even when he nearly went "out of business" back in 1997, to fund the upcoming WWE Network channel.

It's a scary time for a wrestling fan. Or, should I say, a wrestling fan who actually gives a damn about the business-side of the industry, the current state of the industry as a whole, and its long-term viability.

On the plus side, yeah things are still going with this chick. ..err...lady! Going very well. We managed 4 consecutive dates last Thursday thru Sunday. In fact, we've got a 3 day camping trip planned for her B-Day 2 weekends from now. I've never been camping and the prospects of getting eaten by a bear don't sound very sexy, but, hey, the things we do, right?

[Up]Date Night

For those interested in my love/date life, things are still happening. Date #2 happened last Friday. It was bowling at Don Carters. She was on the bowling team at Runnels, but hadn't bowled since (6 years). Though rusty, she still handily gave me the ass-whip. I won the contest for slowest and fastest thrown bowling ball though. Under 4 mph and over 16 mph.

The bowling lasted all of one hour, we then spent the next 9 hours talking. Talking! For 9 straight hours! Tommy don't even understand. We left when the fog started to roll in and rave bowling was about to bust out (strobe gives her headaches).

Leaving, we arranged another date for The 13th Gate the next night and food afterwards, but she had to call it off later. That left my Saturday night open for Real Steel and post-LSU game Taco Bell with Tommy.

Back to the girl, date #3 has just been arranged for Saturday. Officially, it's only the 3rd date, but, damn, does it seem like we're been doing this for longer than that. Must be the marathon date sessions. Assuming this goes well, I've got a great idea for a future date (date #4?) that should earn me major "Shine Gets". Details on that later.

So how's it going? Pretty good. Considering my usual [bad] luck, I'm kinda shocked at how easy its been going. I like her. I feel comfortable around her, or as much as one can feel comfortable on a date. I "click" more with her than any girl before. I'm pretty sure she digs me as well.

Oh and every movie I've happen to bring up so far she had seen. All the superhero movies (she's looking forward to the Avengers, but not Batman 3 so much, she loved Captain America). Conan. Rise of the Planet of the Apes (she didn't like it). The Rocketeer! Various Disney movies. Even The Hills Have Eyes. And The Wicker Man!

Next time we meet up, I'm gonna have to pop the big question: You some kind of nerd?!

Hell, she's seen Ghost Rider.......and she wants to see Ghost Rider II!!!! I own the collected edition of the Batman vs Predator comic, but even I got my limits!

P.S. The first Batman vs Predator comic was actually really good. DC/WB need to jump on that jeep and ride.

Date Night....With The Stir-Man!

Who has two thumbs and had a date Saturday night? This Guy!

Just when I'm about to write off OKC as being a waste of what little time I already gave it, I gave it one last check and stumble upon someone with an interest in Game of Thrones. Read the book a long time ago, watched the HBO show, re-read the book, and then continued through the series to book 4 or 5.

So, what the hell, I send a Game of Thrones-related email. "Response Get!" We exchange a few more mails and I take the real first step, asking if she wanted to go out. She agrees, calling it a "date" herself. "Date Get!"

So we went out last night. Met up at Perkins Rowe for 6 and when to Kona Grill. We didn't leave Kona Grill till almost 11! She didn't finish her chicken salad. I didn't finish my turkey burger (which is a shame). We spent the entire time talking. Cuba (she's half cuban), our jobs, white people wearing Che shirts, photography, health, Disney, movies, family, etc. It seems kinda crazy to sit in a restaurant for that long, but Kona Grill never offered the check, nor hinted at needing us to leave, and neither her nor I made a play for the door.

We just kept talking. By the time we exited, Lion King 3D wasn't a possibility anymore. B&N was closing. So I walked her to her car. Gave her a hug, cause I gets mine! (also, I'm not a first date-kisser, sorry, ladies), and asked if I could give her a call. She responded in the positive.

Driving home, not 10 minutes later, I get a text. I figure it's from Tommy, who was at an asian wedding in New Orleans. Nope. It's her. She thanked me for dinner and said she had a great time. This caught me off guard as I'm not use to women openly being informative with their interest, much less right after the first date. I replied that I had a great time too and look forward to doing it again. She txt'd me back with a "Me too".

It was probably the best first-date I've ever been on and I was surprised by just how simple the affair was. Sitting at a table for 5 hours talking. She's cute, has a passion for her interests/job, educated, plus more! I waked into the date with zero expectations beyond a potentially interesting night and walked away......liking her.

I'll give her a call tomorrow in my break between classes and setup a second date for later in the week. She use to bowl, so I was thinking of that. I had other ideas of zoo, the 13th Gate, biking (she mountain bikes), but I think I'll save those for future dates should we move past the 2nd one. Outside of bowling, any ideas?

Fright Fest 2011: Writing Hurdle

Up till now, it's been smooth sailing. The writing is done for The Fog, Christine, and The Thing. The Fog has already been formatted, for Facebook's pleasure, and only awaits Saturday to be published. Last week, I watched Prince of Darkness. This is the first of two Carpenter movies I'm gonna cover, yet have never seen before. My hurdle started earlier today when I restarted the movie and took fingers to keyboard to type out a draft.

The format of my writeups are recap the movie as I watch it. Following that is the review section. Nothing crazy deep. Just what I like, don't like, improvements, etc. The first three writeups came in around 5 pages. The Prince of Darkness note is currently at 5 pages and I've only covered the first 40 minutes of the movie! Being a new movie to me, I suppose I find myself commenting more on some of the little things.

Anyway, I stopped myself at the 40 minute mark because I didn't like what I was writing by that point. I'll have to re-read it later, but it felt as if I was antagonizing the movie. Having watched the movie, I certainly think it deserves a little tough love, but that's for the review section. For the movie viewer summary part, I just want the reader to follow along with me as I experience this movie. Good. Bad. Crazy. Goofy. Whatever. No thoughts beyond seeing what's around the next corner and having a little fun while doing it.

For Prince of Darkness, once developments started to get revealed, I began to butt heads with the movie. Or at least, again, it felt that way. Evil being legitimized with science is the main focus of the movie. In fact, it's the main motivation for all the characters in the movie aside from not getting dead. So when the movie starts to push some hokey ideas, it's hard, as a reasonable-educated adult, to not call out the shit. Worse is when the movie begins to contradict itself with its own revealed facts. Numbers stated earlier don't match match number or statements presented later. And no character acknowledges the change. The various changing facts can make the movie hard to follow. Hell, even now, I'm not sure I understand fully what's going on.

Thinking back, I don't believe I'll have to scrap the whole note. Just some of the parts close to where I stopped when the "evil grounded in science" starts to get explained. The challenge is keeping the fun tone of the note going when the movie dips into "kinda dumb" territory.

I'll let this movie rest a bit. Got a date Saturday, so I'll try again Sunday before heading off to watch the Hell in a Cell PPV at BWW with Tommy.

A Long-Delayed Reaction to 2001: A Space Odyssey

Stirling,

Because you're such a big movie buff, I always assume that if I see a classic movie, you've seen it before as well. I'm particularly hoping that that's the case with respect to 2001: A Space Odyssey, which Katy and I watched this afternoon for the first time. I'm hoping you can give me some guidance as to what I should be thinking about this film. I came to the movie shockingly unspoilt—other than knowing that there would be monkeys, monoliths, and a computer saying, "I'm sorry, Dave—I'm afraid I can't do that," I had no preconceptions. Here's what I got out of it.

The movie is divided into four essentially self-contained episodes. First, we see prehistoric apes discovering a monolith, which does something—it's not clear what—after which they discover tools, weapons, and warfare. Second, we see a sequence in which we learn that modern, space-faring humans have discovered a similar monolith on the moon, which does something—it's not clear what. Third is the most pop-culturally familiar sequence, in which an astronaut named Dave, in the midst of a mission to Jupiter, faces off against a homicidal artificial intelligence, HAL9000, his ship's onboard computer. Fourth and finally comes a sequence, by turns psychedelic and then just avant-garde, in which Dave reaches Jupiter, discovers another monolith in its orbit, hallucinates (?) for a while, and then finds himself in what appears to be Versailles, except with fluorescent lights for floors, for—I'm guessing here—basically eternity, after which, another monolith does something—it's not clear what—involving Dave being reincarnated as a galactic fetus.

The plot is sort of hazy to me, as you can probably tell. Luckily, I get the feeling that the plot isn't really at the center of the film. The points of connection, in terms of plot, between any of the four episodes are pretty limited. There's no plot point in common between the ape-episode and any of the later ones, unless you count the bare fact that monoliths figure heavily in all of them. The moon- and Jupiter-episodes are connected, we learn fairly late, by the fact that Dave's mission to Jupiter was motivated by the discovery of the moon-monolith. And the only plot connection between the psychedelic episode and the rest of the film is that Dave is present. To put it simply, these aren't chapters in a book—they're short stories in an anthology. Rather than being plot-driven, the important connections between episodes are thematic—themes of humanity, intelligence, and technology are present throughout, as are those pesky monoliths.

But even as I get this, I have to admit that I don't have a clue what's being said about humanity and intelligence and technology and monoliths. Worse yet, I'm not even sure I've identified the relevant questions that I'm intended to take away. In the end, the plot is so loose, and the symbology so underspecified, that I feel I'm just flailing around in the dark. Still, I have to pose the following questions:

1. Are the monoliths alien artifacts, as most of the characters seem to suppose? Or are they naturally occurring objects, somehow (spiritually? metaphysically?) connected to the origin of the universe (and its rebirth)?
2. What are the monoliths doing? What exactly happens to the apes who come into contact with the monolith, that wouldn't have happened to them otherwise? (I mean, is it completely clear that tool-use and warfare are direct effects of the monolith? Are the tool-using apes even the same apes who encountered the monolith, or are they their distant descendants?) What happens to the folks on the moon as they gather around the monolith for a photograph? We're never told. What is happening to Dave when he encounters the monolith in Jupiter's orbit? (This question could be answered either literally or figuratively—it just needs to be answered). What is happening to Dave when he encounters the monolith on his deathdbed? (Ditto).
3. Is HAL malfunctioning? I find it somewhat more terrifying to imagine that he's in perfect working order.
4. If HAL is malfunctioning, what is the cause of his malfunction? "Human error," HAL's own diagnosis, seems too trite an answer for this film. All of the other episodes, besides the one in which HAL appears, deal with matters of cosmic significance. To me, there's something absurd about allowing the HAL-episode—the film's indisputable (right?) centerpice—to be contingent upon a programming error by some unknown codemonkey back on earth. Could the malfunction be monolith-related? I ask this in part because the HAL-episode is the only episode in which no monolith appears. That is, the monoliths are conspicuous by their absence from the HAL-episode. But, from a plot standpoint, how would it be possible for a monolith to cause the malfunction?
5. Is HAL a conscious being? Does he have real emotions? Even though the movie explicitly poses these questions, they're never answered, nor, upon reflection, do they seem particularly important thematically. Is the whole issue a total red herring?
6. How literally is the final episode supposed to be taken? Completely literal? Are some parts of it just Dave's hallucinations, and if so, which parts? Or, by the final scene, are we being presented with something that is not the literal experience of any conscious being? For me, I suspected that by the end, we'd traveled even farther beyond the confines of plot than we were before, such that I was no longer even being told a story. Instead, it seemed to me that the movie was just saying things with images. But I don't know what it was saying.

That final sequence, in luminescent, green Versailles, was at the very least a striking bit of film-making. There's something terrifying about it. I remember, beside me on the couch, Katy saying at one point, "Oh, God, he's turning around. He's gonna see Dave. Wait. Where's Dave? Oh no, that's Dave, isn't it?" The mindfuckery of it is off the charts.

And the long minutes without dialogue. For ten, twenty, thirty minutes at a time, you'll hear nothing but apes caterwauling, or classical music as space vessels spin, or an astronaut's deep breathing as he's out for a spacewalk, or unintelligible human voices rising to a crescendo, in what seems for a long time to be hell, and still, at the end of the film, might be. There's emotional intensity to go around.

And then there's just the technological aspects. The fact that Stanley Kubrick, in the late 1960's, built a bunch of giant hamster-wheels so that he could give the audience a realistic look at how weightlessness and artificial gravity would look. Impressive stuff.

But here's what really got me in the end. To me, it seems that if this movie had been made ten years ago, we wouldn't be talking about it today—it would have been forgotten by now. It wouldn't be a sci-fi classic, remembered fondly by the former adolescents of the 60's and 70's—instead it would have been ghetto-ised as an art house film, so that most people would never have seen it or even heard of it. You'd never be able to assume it as a part of the pop cultural vernacular. What strikes me as most hopeful is that there was ever a time when a large number of Americans would have wanted to be as intellectually and aesthetically challenged by a film as they must have wanted to be in 1968, to have made 2001 such a cultural touchstone.

Roughies: Fright Fest 2011

October is fast approaching and, with that, another annual month of horror movies to watch and "note" about. Last year was all the Exorcist movies (including the alternate cut of the prequel). I did something the October before that, but I can't remember.

Though I got through all the Exorcist movies watched and wrote (only lapped 3 days into November, I believe), I learned some lessons from the experience. That writing about movies you like can be hard in the sense of fairness (The Exorcist). That bad movies, really bad movies, can nearly kill your desire to continue forth on your proposed journey (Exorcist II: The Heretic). That, if you can take a leap of faith, you may discover a lost treasure and revive your passion (Exorcist III). That watching and writing about, in essence, the same movie twice, though immensely interesting, can be......a bit of a drag.

The biggest issue, though, was time. I had 5 Exorcist movies. October has 4 weeks. I had to watch the movie. Then write about it, which could take hours for a single note (The Exorcist II note took forever). Some editing. Pics. Rinse and repeat 4 more times.

The Horror-movie-a-thon is back, but I decided to go about it differently. First, I'm starting early and not flying by the seat of my pants. I've already settled on a set of movies, which was harder than I imagined due to several options I drew up. The first movie is done as far as getting most of the content down on paper/MS Word. I watched the movie. Then I rewatched it while simultaneously typing my write-up. Aside from a few pauses here and there to finish typing my thoughts/commentary on any given scene, I finished when the movie finished. The conclude with thoughts on the movie as a whole.

So far, it seems more efficient. Watching the movie, a second time, as I type helps me remember more of the movie's ongoings. This provides a longer note / more commentary (the first movie's draft is a single sentence shy of 5 pages!), but it should be good. Or, I should say, I hope it's good.

I plan to watch/write up another movie or two before heading back and finalizing the first movie's review.

Stay Tuned.

Gaming Music: Metallica, AC/DC, & Van Halen

Before now, music games only scratched the surface of rock. Free Bird? War Pigs? Monkey Wrench?! That's stuff for some high school talent show. Now's the time to go balls-deep into rock! With band-centric music games! Welcome to 2008!

I popped in Guitar Hero: Metallica first. Logos. Logos. Logos. Usual menu options: Quick play, Practise, Options. I go for Career. Shit gets real off the bat with Metallica entering their venue and *dramatic pause* YOU ARE METALLICA! And you open it up with "For Whom The Bell Tolls". Assuming you don't suck, you then get to encore "The Unforgiven".

You/Metallica, Rock! Inspiring a boy (also you) in the crowd to start up a band. This brings you to your character. You can choose among Guitar Hero's standard roster of cartoon rockers. I usually go with Izzy Sparks for his David Lee Roth-ness. But! Now there's a Create-A-Rocker option. Ok. Let's check that out.

Boy, are there a lot of options. Past the opening Male/Female selection. You can pick your music style. Punk. Rock. Heavy Metal. Goth. Classic (seemingly late 60's, early 70's rock). Etc. I go with classic. From there, you can edit body size, shape, and color. Clothes (shirts, pants, shoes, hats, etc.). Tats. Band name. Band logo. Edit instruments (guitar, bass, drums, mic). Plus more! Again, there's a lot of options. I spend waay more time on it than I expected. Maybe even wanted, due to the numerous loading screen and the game chugging to loading the various scrolling items.

Once I rebrand my Guitar Hero mainstay band, Sexual Misconduct, into a Metallica cover band and create The Stir-Man, complete with bald head, country beard, hoodie and track pants, it was time to hit the road (in our Mystery, Inc. Van labeled " 'Tallica, Jr.") to a Metallica live event and audition for the "opening act" slot. We win the slot and an opposing glam, 80's, hair-metal band look pissed. I guessing they're the bad guys here.

At this first venue, there are no Metallica songs to cover. So, first, I chose Alice in Chains' "No Excuses". Second, I go for Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Tuesday's Gone". Not sure why, but playing the song felt "special". Kinda like I wasn't playing it but experiencing it. Fitting since I'm led to believe that the song holds a special place in James' heart.

I back out and check out the extras. Under videos, there's a lot of backstage/concert stuff. In the gallery, there's pictures of old posters, tickets, patches. I'm talking old. One is a flyer for a concert with Metallica, Twisted Sister, and a third band that has slipped my mind. This stuff is really cool for any fan of Metallica. I just wish you could zoom in on the flyers/tickets/etc. so you can actually read some of the smaller print or just get a better overall look at them.

Oh, there's also an option to listen to various songs while info tidbits pop up. I did this for Tuesday's Gone. Some interesting stuff. Background on Lyn Skyn. Their influence on Metallica. Well worth reading. But then it ends by stating that Lyn Skyn's Free Bird ended Guitar Hero II. Kinda out of nowhere. And not near as important/interesting as the rest.

I decided to check out AC/DC Live! next. I've never played Rock Band before, so I was looking forward to seeing how the original Guitar Hero devs "improved" on their GH formula. Usual menu options. I notice a "Calibration" option. Never having done a calibration, I check it out. You strum to visual and audio cues to help set a proper lag between video, music, and strum-ness.

Back in the menu, I skip career (not wanting to spend so much time with create-a-band/character, if that's what happens) and go straight to "Quick Play". I head directly to "Hell's Bells" like a parent dragging their kid to the Indiana Jones ride at a Disneyland opening. And...

And.....

And....I fail. Hard. I don't know what the fuck just happened. I couldn't hit shit. I even saw the notes coming. And I still couldn't hit them. I give "Jailbreak" a try. Though I fare better, and finish the song, it was still pretty bad. Did I fuck myself over with the calibration? Is it that the notes are thin rectangles, and not GH's round circles, giving less room for error/timing?

I had planned to stop there, but my failure pushed me to pop in Guitar Hero: Van Halen. To see if I fared better back under the GH style. I go to "Quick Play" and chose "Ain't Talkin' Bout Love". My favorite Van Halen song. Very familiar with it. And I start off fucking it up! Why? Due to a difference I didn't even notice between Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Not the note shapes, but in how the notes scroll on-screen. In GH, the notes scroll in from back of the screen to front. In Rock Band, they go from top to bottom.

I didn't realize this going from GH: Metallica to RB: AC/DC, but, back in GH's world with Van Halen, it was fucking up my song. Now realized. I make whatever needed mental adjustments and BAM! I'm rocking out to Van Halen. Telling bitches, "I got what you need".

Next is the so damn cheesy yet so damn fun "Jump". Then "Runnin' with the Devil". Playing these songs, it makes me think of just why I like Van Halen. I think it might be because they're rocking out, yet seemingly light-hearted about doing it (as oppose to Metallica's more heavy-handed-ness). Almost a sort of parody of 70's/80's rock but with good songs backing it up. Kinda feel the same way about Foo Fighters for their era.

Of course, there are various songs from secondary bands. Queen. Foo Fighters. Even Billy Idol's White Wedding (which I look forward to playing). But then there's a speed bump. The Offspring's "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy"). Strumming through the songs and hearing that damn song kick in.....I let out a sigh. It doesn't fit. Kinda ruins the vib of the game.

Compared to that of Metallica's, the extras disappoint with no vids or gallery to be found. Just lyrics and a "Van Halen Soundboard". I'm missing the point of this soundboard. Press two differing colors in differing order and 3 second long guitar solo plays. I felt lost in this "extra".

From my quick experience with GH: VH, it certainly feels like less of a game directed by a band for their fans as GH: Metallica does. GH: VH feels decidedly "hands-off" in Van Halen-ness. But it's got Van Halen songs you can Guitar Hero to, which, I suppose, is all one would want from a game such as this, but, damn, if the game just feels lacking in the frills and whistles extras of the Metallica version.

How bout that last sentence, eh?

Get 'Dem Deals!: Toys'R'Us Moving Sale

So Toys R Us is moving. Sources say to the Tinseltown area. Seems like a bad idea, but, hey, SALES! 60% OFF!*

*up to

I don't know how long the sale has been going on, but there wasn't much goods[tuff] to be had. I doubt there were many to begin with. But I did find some goodies.


Guitar Hero: Van Halen ($6)
Guitar Hero: Metallica ($2.40)
Guitar Hero Encore: Rocks the 80s ($5.99)
AC/DC Live!: Rock Band Track Pack ($4.73)

Though I moved on from the Guitar Hero craze of several years ago, I did pick it back up earlier this summer and picked (ha!) my way through Guitar Heros 1-3 (Freya is my best song). Nice find to pick up Metallica, Val Halan, and AC/DC on the cheap. Not sure how a music game comprised mainly of a single band, but, hey!, it's Metallica, Val Halan, and AC/DC. And it's cheap!

My only other concern is that AC/DC Live! is a Rock Band game. My guitar is Guitar Hero-based. I know there shouldn't be a problem. The game box tells me there shouldn't be a problem. I just remember Activision making a hissy fit about the issue. Whatever the case, I'll have a pretty sweet box cover.

While walking towards the register, I happened to notice a very small dump pile of DVDs. Hey, why not, right? Browse. Browse. CBS. Browse. Browse. Couple discoveries.

Batman/Superman: Apocalypse ($6.49)
Star Trek: Nemesis ($2.49)

All in all, a pretty good catch. Checking out, I got a little bothered by the lady ringing me up making it very clear that there would be no refunds. Over and over again. Back in the car, I quickly removed the security plastic/stickers for Star Trek: Nemesis. There was a DVD inside. Screwjob averted!

George Lucas Has *Officially* Gone Insane!: More Star Wars Changes for Blu-Ray

So we've known that Lucas has been going downhill since the Special Edition releases of the original Star Wars movies back in 1997. A lot of unnecessary shit thrown into the background of many scenes to make them seem more "alive" when really it just makes it look "busy". A butt-load of awful CGI. Like SyFy channel worthy "Python vs Anaconda vs Dino-Gator" bad.

Remember Jabba in A New Hope? No? Try now.

Earlier in the year, Star Wars was revealed to be heading to Blu-Ray, original three as well as the newer ones. For Episodes 4-6, I'm pretty sure everyone expected the Special Editions. Lucas has a hard-on for his "improved" versions. You know what? Fine. But, considering the mass storage space of your standard Blu-Ray, it was also assumed the the original versions would be included as well.

You know what happens when one "assumes", right?

About a week ago, leaks of the Blu-Rays showed up online. With it came two disturbing revelations. First, the original versions are NOT on the Blu-Rays. It's Special Edition only. Ok. I don't like it, but OK. Chances are they'll release the original versions in a couple years or so for mo' money like they did with the DVDs. Though my biggest problem with this is that LucasFilm will claim up and down that the Special Editions are Lucas' view of the original films (surely!) and as such the original originals will never be released (bullshit!). Then once they've scared everyone into buying the Special Editions and sales have died down, they'll release the actual real original versions due to "fan demand".

The second revelation? Lucas is making even MORE CHANGES to Star Wars. The 90's Special Editions were what he always intended Star Wars to be. Then changes again with the Special Edition release onto DVD incorporating elements from Episode 1-3 (most infamously being young ghost Hayden Christensen joining ghost Yoda and old ghost Obi-Wan, replacing original old ghost Anakin). So now, for the third time, we have more improvements to Lucas' supposedly already improved vision of the movies.

The new changes are rolling out at a steady pace, but I'm going to just focus on the first four. The last one being a fucking game changer. Last straw. I'm talking "Someone needs to get Star Wars away from this guy! Now!"

1) Episode I - CGI Yoda replaces Puppet Yoda

This change doesn't affect me that much. Visually, it may even be for the better. The Episode I Yoda puppet was fucking horrible. I could understand reasons for why they couldn't use the original Yoda puppet from the Empire and Jedi. It probably doesn't exist anymore or in poor shape. What I don't get is why they just didn't make another one that looks just like the original. An argument could be made about aging and the time gap between Episode I and Empire (a gap that seems to fluctuate with every movie). But Yoda was like 900 years old, right? So what's 40-50 years? Comparison between puppet and CGI Yoda here.

Now, if Lucas gets the bold balls to replace puppet Yoda in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi....then.....by God......then......THEN!


2) A New Hope - New Obi-Wan Krayt Dragon Roar

This the the sound that Obi-Wan makes, that of a Krayt Dragon, I reckon, to scare off the Sand people from Luke. I honestly can't remember what the original sound was, though maybe I would if I heard it. But why change such an insignificant sound? Has this been riding up Lucas' crack for the past 30 years but he didn't have the technology to edited it out till now?

Since I watched the clip and heard the sound, I kept thinking that the new roar sounded familiar. Like I heard it in a song somewhere. Then it hit me! It's the opening "WOOOOO!" from Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough". Hot shit! I went straight to youtube to give the clip a listen again and ended up on a remix video of the epiphany I just had. So others have connected that dot as well.

As such, this might be my favorite change. The one that pulls these Star Wars improvements into an alternate reality or, more simply, an alternate outlook. One of humor as oppose to one of facepalm. I'm telling you now. If we're watching a Star Wars Blu-Ray, If we're watching A New Hope, If we watch this scene, I WILL be getting up, singing, and dancing "Don't Stop". I don't care who's there. Your mom. Father. Sister. Daughter. Granny Jo'. I will be grabbing crotch. Notably my own.

3) Return of the Jedi - CGI Ewok Eyes Enable Blinking Action!

Finally, THE major complaint about the Ewoks has been fixed! Now everyone will love them! *sarcasm* I've never once thought about the Ewoks inability to blink. If this change has done anything, it's made this "issue" all the more obvious. Now I won't be able to look at an original Ewok without noticing his non-blink-ing-ness. Or an improved Ewok with his blatant eye blinking!

Stop trying to be real, Ewok! You're a puppet! You have no soul! You're a damned Ewok!

Now the time has come. If you've yet to hear of this change then, please, prepare yourself. Sit down. Relax. Spend some time with your family. Learn of the joys of life and of love. Realize that there is more to life than Star Wars. I beg you. Cause if you fail to, then this is one giant leap to going over the edge.

Ready?


4) Return of the Jedi - Darth Vader Says "NOOOoooooo!" Twice!

The biggest joke of the prequel Star Wars is the end of Revenge of the Sith. Vader finally shows up. The moment we've all been waiting years for. And Vader goes, "NOOOooooo!" I can't think of another character that has been so completely ruined with one word. One exclamation!

I don't know what bubble Lucas lives in, but it must be of extra durable strength as I would have to assume (there's that word again!) he's not heard any "NOOOoooo!" jokes. Or the dude's just insane. He's taken the "NOOOooooo!" and added it TWICE! to the climax of Return of the Jedi, my personal favorite Star Wars movie.

It's a showdown between Light and Dark. Father and Son. The fate of the galaxy is in their hands. And they engage in an epic battle of greens, reds, and blacks. Of misguided ideals. And of rage-induced beat downs. Outside of Yoda scenes, it's my favorite scene of any Star Wars. Hell, it's THE scene of Star Wars. Then the Emperor begins to torture Luke with force lightening. Vader watches. Silent, yet obviously conflicted. John Williams music ringing in our ears. Then Vader acts. Not for himself. Or even the galaxy. But for his son. And then the Ewoks sing some "Yub Nub". The End.

The improved version? Blah Blah Blah. Epic Battle. Greens. THE. Blah. Emperor tortures Luke with force lightening. Vader watches. Conflicted. BUT NOT SILENT! He says loudly to himself, "Nooooooooo". The Emperor, too busy re-living that time he made Sam Jackson look like a bitch, fails to hear. Vader then makes his presence and feelings known by yelling "NOOOooooooo!" as he picks up the Emperor and throws him into that bottomless space station pit thingy.

It's takes a dramatic high point of the series and gives it the feel of a man-child raging that mommy took his video game. It's sad. It's cringe-inducing. It's "Damn, Lucas". It's How can you be this unaware of what you're doing?! This is bad. Real bad. How can you take something that's been a joke since Episode III, 6 years ago, and apply it to the major battle/turning point of the entire saga?!

And there are more changes. Hopefully nothing as major as this one but there are more.

And, with that, I'm done with Star Wars bitch ranting. It'll be fun to one day go back and look at all the changes, but I'm done complaining/bitching about Star Wars from this point forward. I'm gonna choose to have more fun with it, cause, at this point, it's all starting to feel like trolling the fanbase on the part of Lucas.

That's why, for the past 2 years, I've been riding dat Star Trek jeep, baby! Engage!

Round-Table: Spielberg

Two ideas have been wandering around in my head for a while. One was Spielberg-based. Favorite movie. Worst movie. Progression. The other idea was a series of "roundtable" conversation dealing with various topics. The topic and info in the post. Conversation in the comments. That's the best implementation I've got of a roundtable in blog-form (will take better suggestions).

So why not smang them together?!

For our first Roundtable, Steven Spielberg. *applause* I was going to keep the topic directed at the question of "What is Spielberg's Worst Movie?", but let's open that up a bit. Our primary question will still remain the subject of his worst movie. Once we've tackled that, let's venture into relating questions. Favorite movie? Liked/disliked characters? Etc. Any thought, questions, statements related to the topic (Spielberg), throw 'em in there.

Info:

Rotten Tomatoes seems to be the movie rating standard, so you can find a list of Spielberg's work here. Be careful of his credit listings. There's no filter, so don't mistake Spielberg for the director of "The Legend of Zorro".

Imdb provides a more manageable list of director duties here minus the ratings.

Note: Spielberg is not the [official] director of 1982's Poltergeist and 1985's The Goonies, though often confused as such. Unofficially, Spielberg was heavily involved in both movies. For The Goonies, Spielberg worked very close with Richard Donner and the cast. His influence was there, but Donner was not usurped. Things were not so smooth for Poltergeist. Though Texas Chainsaw Massacre's Tobe Hooper is officially credited as director, many involved with the movie cite Spielberg as the real director. You can read that tidbit here.