Remember Jabba in A New Hope? No? Try now.
Earlier in the year, Star Wars was revealed to be heading to Blu-Ray, original three as well as the newer ones. For Episodes 4-6, I'm pretty sure everyone expected the Special Editions. Lucas has a hard-on for his "improved" versions. You know what? Fine. But, considering the mass storage space of your standard Blu-Ray, it was also assumed the the original versions would be included as well.
You know what happens when one "assumes", right?
About a week ago, leaks of the Blu-Rays showed up online. With it came two disturbing revelations. First, the original versions are NOT on the Blu-Rays. It's Special Edition only. Ok. I don't like it, but OK. Chances are they'll release the original versions in a couple years or so for mo' money like they did with the DVDs. Though my biggest problem with this is that LucasFilm will claim up and down that the Special Editions are Lucas' view of the original films (surely!) and as such the original originals will never be released (bullshit!). Then once they've scared everyone into buying the Special Editions and sales have died down, they'll release the actual real original versions due to "fan demand".
The second revelation? Lucas is making even MORE CHANGES to Star Wars. The 90's Special Editions were what he always intended Star Wars to be. Then changes again with the Special Edition release onto DVD incorporating elements from Episode 1-3 (most infamously being young ghost Hayden Christensen joining ghost Yoda and old ghost Obi-Wan, replacing original old ghost Anakin). So now, for the third time, we have more improvements to Lucas' supposedly already improved vision of the movies.
The new changes are rolling out at a steady pace, but I'm going to just focus on the first four. The last one being a fucking game changer. Last straw. I'm talking "Someone needs to get Star Wars away from this guy! Now!"
1) Episode I - CGI Yoda replaces Puppet Yoda
This change doesn't affect me that much. Visually, it may even be for the better. The Episode I Yoda puppet was fucking horrible. I could understand reasons for why they couldn't use the original Yoda puppet from the Empire and Jedi. It probably doesn't exist anymore or in poor shape. What I don't get is why they just didn't make another one that looks just like the original. An argument could be made about aging and the time gap between Episode I and Empire (a gap that seems to fluctuate with every movie). But Yoda was like 900 years old, right? So what's 40-50 years? Comparison between puppet and CGI Yoda here.
Now, if Lucas gets the bold balls to replace puppet Yoda in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi....then.....by God......then......THEN!
2) A New Hope - New Obi-Wan Krayt Dragon Roar
This the the sound that Obi-Wan makes, that of a Krayt Dragon, I reckon, to scare off the Sand people from Luke. I honestly can't remember what the original sound was, though maybe I would if I heard it. But why change such an insignificant sound? Has this been riding up Lucas' crack for the past 30 years but he didn't have the technology to edited it out till now?
Since I watched the clip and heard the sound, I kept thinking that the new roar sounded familiar. Like I heard it in a song somewhere. Then it hit me! It's the opening "WOOOOO!" from Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough". Hot shit! I went straight to youtube to give the clip a listen again and ended up on a remix video of the epiphany I just had. So others have connected that dot as well.
As such, this might be my favorite change. The one that pulls these Star Wars improvements into an alternate reality or, more simply, an alternate outlook. One of humor as oppose to one of facepalm. I'm telling you now. If we're watching a Star Wars Blu-Ray, If we're watching A New Hope, If we watch this scene, I WILL be getting up, singing, and dancing "Don't Stop". I don't care who's there. Your mom. Father. Sister. Daughter. Granny Jo'. I will be grabbing crotch. Notably my own.
This change doesn't affect me that much. Visually, it may even be for the better. The Episode I Yoda puppet was fucking horrible. I could understand reasons for why they couldn't use the original Yoda puppet from the Empire and Jedi. It probably doesn't exist anymore or in poor shape. What I don't get is why they just didn't make another one that looks just like the original. An argument could be made about aging and the time gap between Episode I and Empire (a gap that seems to fluctuate with every movie). But Yoda was like 900 years old, right? So what's 40-50 years? Comparison between puppet and CGI Yoda here.
Now, if Lucas gets the bold balls to replace puppet Yoda in Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi....then.....by God......then......THEN!
2) A New Hope - New Obi-Wan Krayt Dragon Roar
This the the sound that Obi-Wan makes, that of a Krayt Dragon, I reckon, to scare off the Sand people from Luke. I honestly can't remember what the original sound was, though maybe I would if I heard it. But why change such an insignificant sound? Has this been riding up Lucas' crack for the past 30 years but he didn't have the technology to edited it out till now?
Since I watched the clip and heard the sound, I kept thinking that the new roar sounded familiar. Like I heard it in a song somewhere. Then it hit me! It's the opening "WOOOOO!" from Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough". Hot shit! I went straight to youtube to give the clip a listen again and ended up on a remix video of the epiphany I just had. So others have connected that dot as well.
As such, this might be my favorite change. The one that pulls these Star Wars improvements into an alternate reality or, more simply, an alternate outlook. One of humor as oppose to one of facepalm. I'm telling you now. If we're watching a Star Wars Blu-Ray, If we're watching A New Hope, If we watch this scene, I WILL be getting up, singing, and dancing "Don't Stop". I don't care who's there. Your mom. Father. Sister. Daughter. Granny Jo'. I will be grabbing crotch. Notably my own.
3) Return of the Jedi - CGI Ewok Eyes Enable Blinking Action!
Finally, THE major complaint about the Ewoks has been fixed! Now everyone will love them! *sarcasm* I've never once thought about the Ewoks inability to blink. If this change has done anything, it's made this "issue" all the more obvious. Now I won't be able to look at an original Ewok without noticing his non-blink-ing-ness. Or an improved Ewok with his blatant eye blinking!
Stop trying to be real, Ewok! You're a puppet! You have no soul! You're a damned Ewok!
Now the time has come. If you've yet to hear of this change then, please, prepare yourself. Sit down. Relax. Spend some time with your family. Learn of the joys of life and of love. Realize that there is more to life than Star Wars. I beg you. Cause if you fail to, then this is one giant leap to going over the edge.
Ready?
4) Return of the Jedi - Darth Vader Says "NOOOoooooo!" Twice!
The biggest joke of the prequel Star Wars is the end of Revenge of the Sith. Vader finally shows up. The moment we've all been waiting years for. And Vader goes, "NOOOooooo!" I can't think of another character that has been so completely ruined with one word. One exclamation!
I don't know what bubble Lucas lives in, but it must be of extra durable strength as I would have to assume (there's that word again!) he's not heard any "NOOOoooo!" jokes. Or the dude's just insane. He's taken the "NOOOooooo!" and added it TWICE! to the climax of Return of the Jedi, my personal favorite Star Wars movie.
It's a showdown between Light and Dark. Father and Son. The fate of the galaxy is in their hands. And they engage in an epic battle of greens, reds, and blacks. Of misguided ideals. And of rage-induced beat downs. Outside of Yoda scenes, it's my favorite scene of any Star Wars. Hell, it's THE scene of Star Wars. Then the Emperor begins to torture Luke with force lightening. Vader watches. Silent, yet obviously conflicted. John Williams music ringing in our ears. Then Vader acts. Not for himself. Or even the galaxy. But for his son. And then the Ewoks sing some "Yub Nub". The End.
The improved version? Blah Blah Blah. Epic Battle. Greens. THE. Blah. Emperor tortures Luke with force lightening. Vader watches. Conflicted. BUT NOT SILENT! He says loudly to himself, "Nooooooooo". The Emperor, too busy re-living that time he made Sam Jackson look like a bitch, fails to hear. Vader then makes his presence and feelings known by yelling "NOOOooooooo!" as he picks up the Emperor and throws him into that bottomless space station pit thingy.
It's takes a dramatic high point of the series and gives it the feel of a man-child raging that mommy took his video game. It's sad. It's cringe-inducing. It's "Damn, Lucas". It's How can you be this unaware of what you're doing?! This is bad. Real bad. How can you take something that's been a joke since Episode III, 6 years ago, and apply it to the major battle/turning point of the entire saga?!
And there are more changes. Hopefully nothing as major as this one but there are more.
And, with that, I'm done with Star Wars bitch ranting. It'll be fun to one day go back and look at all the changes, but I'm done complaining/bitching about Star Wars from this point forward. I'm gonna choose to have more fun with it, cause, at this point, it's all starting to feel like trolling the fanbase on the part of Lucas.
That's why, for the past 2 years, I've been riding dat Star Trek jeep, baby! Engage!
Finally, THE major complaint about the Ewoks has been fixed! Now everyone will love them! *sarcasm* I've never once thought about the Ewoks inability to blink. If this change has done anything, it's made this "issue" all the more obvious. Now I won't be able to look at an original Ewok without noticing his non-blink-ing-ness. Or an improved Ewok with his blatant eye blinking!
Stop trying to be real, Ewok! You're a puppet! You have no soul! You're a damned Ewok!
Now the time has come. If you've yet to hear of this change then, please, prepare yourself. Sit down. Relax. Spend some time with your family. Learn of the joys of life and of love. Realize that there is more to life than Star Wars. I beg you. Cause if you fail to, then this is one giant leap to going over the edge.
Ready?
4) Return of the Jedi - Darth Vader Says "NOOOoooooo!" Twice!
The biggest joke of the prequel Star Wars is the end of Revenge of the Sith. Vader finally shows up. The moment we've all been waiting years for. And Vader goes, "NOOOooooo!" I can't think of another character that has been so completely ruined with one word. One exclamation!
I don't know what bubble Lucas lives in, but it must be of extra durable strength as I would have to assume (there's that word again!) he's not heard any "NOOOoooo!" jokes. Or the dude's just insane. He's taken the "NOOOooooo!" and added it TWICE! to the climax of Return of the Jedi, my personal favorite Star Wars movie.
It's a showdown between Light and Dark. Father and Son. The fate of the galaxy is in their hands. And they engage in an epic battle of greens, reds, and blacks. Of misguided ideals. And of rage-induced beat downs. Outside of Yoda scenes, it's my favorite scene of any Star Wars. Hell, it's THE scene of Star Wars. Then the Emperor begins to torture Luke with force lightening. Vader watches. Silent, yet obviously conflicted. John Williams music ringing in our ears. Then Vader acts. Not for himself. Or even the galaxy. But for his son. And then the Ewoks sing some "Yub Nub". The End.
The improved version? Blah Blah Blah. Epic Battle. Greens. THE. Blah. Emperor tortures Luke with force lightening. Vader watches. Conflicted. BUT NOT SILENT! He says loudly to himself, "Nooooooooo". The Emperor, too busy re-living that time he made Sam Jackson look like a bitch, fails to hear. Vader then makes his presence and feelings known by yelling "NOOOooooooo!" as he picks up the Emperor and throws him into that bottomless space station pit thingy.
It's takes a dramatic high point of the series and gives it the feel of a man-child raging that mommy took his video game. It's sad. It's cringe-inducing. It's "Damn, Lucas". It's How can you be this unaware of what you're doing?! This is bad. Real bad. How can you take something that's been a joke since Episode III, 6 years ago, and apply it to the major battle/turning point of the entire saga?!
And there are more changes. Hopefully nothing as major as this one but there are more.
And, with that, I'm done with Star Wars bitch ranting. It'll be fun to one day go back and look at all the changes, but I'm done complaining/bitching about Star Wars from this point forward. I'm gonna choose to have more fun with it, cause, at this point, it's all starting to feel like trolling the fanbase on the part of Lucas.
That's why, for the past 2 years, I've been riding dat Star Trek jeep, baby! Engage!
I approve of this message.
ReplyDeleteAlso:
http://youtu.be/7YwLQSTo_ow